


Things I should have said

by Mouldsee



Category: DBSK|Tohoshinki|TVXQ
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-24
Updated: 2013-10-24
Packaged: 2017-12-30 08:56:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1016641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mouldsee/pseuds/Mouldsee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things just cannot be said</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things I should have said

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WennyT](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WennyT/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Promise](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1011238) by [Mouldsee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mouldsee/pseuds/Mouldsee). 



> Written specially for Wenny, Happy Birthday dear! Sorry for being so late. Hope you like.

Changminnie, are you watching?

I stood in front of the crowd and gave the performance of my life.

I stood tall and straight, and looked them in the eye.

Those tears that they think will fall, I managed to hold back. The voice they expect would crack never wavered.  

I called you my colleague, my brother, my friend.

I told them that you were the best of friends, my family.

I said that you stood beside me through the best of times and the worst of times, expressed my thanks for your strength and unwavering faith. 

I extolled your virtues, your good looks, wit and talent.

They lapped up the stories I wove. How you would have become a great artiste, a good husband, a doting father. 

I gave them what they wanted to hear.

They wept even as I sold them lies.

 

Did you hate me or did you laugh?

 

But what else should I have said?

 

How do I tell them, that you alone can make me rage, slam doors and take off into the night for long walks to shake off the anger?

How to make them understand that only you can make me speechless with wonder and delirious with joy?

Find me the right adjectives to paint the quiet satisfaction of knowing that you will always find me amongst the faces in the crowd.

What are the words to describe the slide of your hand against mine when we take the stage, the way you look at me when you are being silently sarcastic, the curve of your neck when you bend your head in laughter at my lame attempts at humour? 

‘Soul mates’ are not enough to capture what we are, because the lines between us are so blurred that sometimes I don’t know where you end and I begin.

What stories should I tell of us? The often-told story of the moment we first met? When your wide eyes glinted with resentment and all I wanted to say was ‘stay’. Or our first kiss, when we were drunk with passion and you whispered ‘mine’ against my lips.

‘I miss you’ doesn’t even begin to describe how I will look for you in every face, listen for your voice in every laugh, and search for your silhouette in every shadow for the rest of my life.

 

This should have been my eulogy for you.

 

But you have made me a coward.

Calling you friend was easier, because the truth is too much.

I am only brave enough to make myself take this last walk with you, holding your picture in my arms.   

The mourners follow. Wailing, weeping. The sharp ends of the frame cut into my palms, but this pain is welcomed, anything to keep those damning tears from sliding down my face.

 

I cannot crumble, will not weep.

I will keep walking.  


End file.
